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..... [Feb. 12th, 2005|08:35 pm]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |watching SVU]

I have so many thoughts running through my head right now I decided I’d write on here again. Although I’m watching SVU at the moment so writing while watching this might not be such a great idea. I should probably write down the pain topics so I remember what I want to talk about.

Where should I start? How about blaming Annie for everything. It’s all your fault Annie and I put complete blame on you for all my thoughts tonight. =) your such a good friend for taking the blame. I really want to talk about the show I watched tonight.

My mother. Oh my goodness, how much she irritates me. It happened a couple days ago and I really don’t want to say all the things I was thinking earlier. The biggest thing is that I don’t want too ever be like her. I know people say that you end up like your mother but not everyone does or not all the same characteristics. I wonder sometimes if she might be part of the reason why I hate men. Growing up I didn’t date anyone until like 12th grade and even then it was someone who was far away so I only talked to him and never depended on him for anything. In my whole life I don’t remember my Mom without a man and it annoys me, it angers me, and it makes me wish I wasn’t like her. Let’s see who I can remember of men… oh my god, I don’t know where to start… Maybe when I was 6 I could start with the guy named Ron. After that there was the doctor that I remember. I mean there was always a man around but I only remember the one’s that stuck around for a little longer than the rest. Well anyway, to continue on with men in my Mom’s life I could honestly say I think she’s dated around 30ish counting just one date. It’s so annoying. Then again Teresa has dated that many people too. Oh well, I really don’t want to talk about anymore of this. It’s just a web of ideas and feelings that spins continuously with me.

After I broke up with Sam, I tried to severe all ties with him because once I didn’t think about him, I had everything of his in a box in California and not with me in Vegas, I didn’t have e-mail from him and I didn’t have his number in my cell phone and I did all this so I could get over him. Of course I did get over him and I really didn’t think about him except for a day or two after he called me. I didn’t even go over to his house the two times that I visited Atwater. Even though I did want to go over there but that was only to visit his parents. I really am not lying about this even though to most people it would seem like that. I love his parents to death and I think, not to be mean, but that was part of the reason I was going with him. Anyway, he contacted me on myspace and it’s like everyone is on it now. All the “atwater” drama crew. And now my sister is on and she’s all fussy about how I have her friends as mine, even though, before she knew about it or was on it, I became friends with them first. So, anyway, I’ve been thinking recently that maybe I should just change my name or maybe just delete my account all together. Is it really so bad that I can’t even be friends with my ex? If I delete my account does that mean I’m running away from him? Or does it just mean that I don’t want anything to do with him. If it’s one lesson I’ve learned is not to date anyone that knows my sister because I’ll never be able to get away from them. If that’s the case then why delete my myspace account cause I’ll never really stop hearing about Sam because he’s friend’s with Ash and he won’t stop being friends with her just because we don’t have a connection anymore. So see, I really don’t have anywhere to turn except to just try and get over it. I’m the type that can’t get over anything and I remember anything that hurt me or made me feel deeply and I always will remember it. I tend to live in the past even though I try to live in the present. Or it’s not like I live in the past it’s just that I remember the past and it effects my decisions in the present. Like right now, yes I’m going to talk about this again but… Right now I just can’t seem to like any guy. Like I’m attracted to them, a lot actually. But to actually do anything or trust them or to make the effort to be with them is too much for me. I wonder if it’s because my full passion right now is to accomplish my goals by getting through school, getting into my career, and making something of my own life before adding someone to it. I remember explaining to sam before I went out with him that school is more important than me to him and vice versa. That’s of course eventually why we broke up. Not the only reasons of course but my main reason. I told him it at the beginning though. When I was talking to him about breaking up with him and I told him that my passion is my schooling and what I want to do. I don’t know if I have time for both and it definitely means that I don’t have enough time to devout too a relationship, work, and school. In order to have a good relationship you both need to provide at least 100%. I don’t know if I can do that and do the rest for work and school. So anyway, that’s one of the reasons why the relationship ended. So back to the main topic, boys. I don’t know why I really feel this way. It may just be that I am occupied right now. I’ll work out these thoughts more later on. I watched a show the other night…

This show was called Trading Mom’s… Or something like that… it’s the new show on tv where two parents trade houses for a couple days. They live by the rules of the house and then after a little bit they get to change the rules of the house to their own. So, the two mothers changing position was a african American, very Christian, definitely followed the rules and believed having her children clean and do their chores, plus she was a stay at home mom and lived in a really beautiful home. She had a husband and umm… four kids I believe. The first thing that I found interesting about her is that she was married to a white man. I find this interesting because of her beliefs that I’ll explain in a minute. The other woman was a white woman, who was raising her daughter with her woman partner. When they traded places the families sat down to talk about this issue and the black woman got in a little tiff with the partner that she was suppose to be staying with. I thought it was interesting what they were trying to do with these two families. While watching the white woman… ok I’m going to give them names… I’m naming white woman, lesbian and African American woman bible thumper cause she was annoying like that. So while lesbian was in the Christian home she saw how crazy the rules were for these kids. There whole lives they do everything perfect and they never have fun. If I was raised in that household I would have fun away. It was sick!!! There rooms were perfect, they came home from school and did there homework right away, they go to church on Sunday, which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s like there lives are like a ritual. So, anyway, she had them have a sleepover with like 20 kids or so and it was really cool. So the bible thumper made the lesbian’s partner work in the yard, make everything perfect and was just a bitch to her. I really hated her from the beginning. When they were talking about the differences about lesbian she brought up slavery and all this about being black and the black thing is so over folks. Yes, there are people who are racist but hiding behind it all the time and anything bad happen to you and you assume it’s someone being racist just pissed me off. Get over it!!! Ok, so she was saying how in god’s eyes he doesn’t talk about color of the skin but it’s wrong for two people of the same gender to be together. She doesn’t believe that two people of the same gender should raise a child and open the their eyes to these things. Yeah, let’s just hide them from the real world so once there 18 and they go off on there own there stupid of the real world and don’t know what’s really going on. Anyway, at the very end of the show they two couples got back together and the bible thumper sat there and yelled about her views that they shouldn’t be raising a child, that lesbian didn’t provide anything to her life, and just ripped on them. She made lesbian cry and it was just an awful feeling. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell others who they can be with and that it’s not right to raise their child. She was a bitch and she makes christian’s look bad because of the principles she was preaching about. Ok, that’s all I’m going to say. I think I’m going to get off my soap box now and go to bed. Cause I’m pretty tired.

Ooh, one more thing. Annie is talking to this new girl. I’m so excited for her. It’s about time she got over that psycho and moved on with her life. This girl seems nice, I’m not going to trust her as easily as I did the other. Because obviously from the last time and the total disaster it was I can’t possibly believe that this one is trustworthy, but I’m sure anyone is better than the last. Annie has a valentine, Teresa has a valentine, and I have no one. How sad is that? I’m a loner now. The lonely one without anyone over her. Oh well, it makes me happy hearing that Annie is happy now. When I call her she’s always great. I hope she isn’t lying to me or to herself. Well even if she is, oh well. At least she’s seems happy. Ok, time for bed now. Nighty night.
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Men [Jan. 30th, 2005|09:03 pm]
[mood |irateirate]

Well.. Here I am in Florida far away from my entire family and everyone I know. I moved on with my life and have tried to forget about the things in my past. But with me it's so difficult, I seem to live in the past most of the time. With friends, family, and relationships. I've tried contacting Brandon and I left him my number but I don't think he'll be calling me. I may call him in a little while if I find his number somewhere in my stack of papers. Then someone else from my past contacted me on myspace. It's my ex from over a year ago. You'd think that you could get over someone and be there friend afterwards. But it doesn't matter who I talk too cause I remember the feeling I have each time I talk to Brandon or Sam. My heart goes all a flutter and I can't seem to control it. It's mostly this feeling when Sam ever contacts me. I HATE it! I don't want to get excited about him talking to me or wanting to be "my friend" on this website. Or how he comments on my picture. I don't want to care about him. I don't want to be with him. I don't want him and yet I know somehow my heart says I do. After a whole fucking year and half since we've been together I still think about him. Ok so maybe we did have sex about a year ago but that was just because he knew he could get it out of me. I was still emotional and he still had me thinking that we could get back together. I lived for about two or three months believing that we still had something. If I had known before that he had sex after we broke up with some random girl and then had sex with me I wouldn't have. I really hate him for that and I hate men. I think he might of cursed me. I don't trust men and I think they look right at you and lie straight to you. They know what to say just to get what they want and that's sex. That's all they want from there women and we live in an age where we don't have to put up with that SHIT and I don't really think I'm going too. I don't trust any man and I don't think I ever will. My friend Matt was talking to me all about how he know's the right lines to say and how to be the sweet guy that girls want. I cringed when he told me this even though I knew it was true it's just more truth and honesty from a mans mind. God I hate Men!!!!!
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It's late and I'm still up... [Jan. 12th, 2005|01:02 am]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |Evanesence]

I don't know what I'm going to do when I get to florida with this time thing. I stay up so late that it'll be morning by the time I want to go to bed when I get there. I think it will be a good thing that I get there early so I can adjust a little to the time difference. No more late night talks with Annie. It would be 4 or 5 o'clock by the time I hung up with her. She may call Joel at anytime she wants, but it ain't happening with me. =) Oh, Annie there's this quiz you should take. Here's the web address... http://webpages.charter.net/tolerta/socoquiz.html

You'll find it interesting so go there damn it. Anyway, this is probably not going to be a long entry tonight. I talked about most of everything last night. However, today I did get new tires on my car. Not that I could afford it or anything, my Mom and my grandmother paid for it. I thank them, but I don't feel it's enough. They love me so much and are helping me so much that I feel like I don't deserve it. My Dad shocked me again the other night. He asked me if I had deposited the check he wrote me. In my mind the only check I knew of was the one from christmas. So I said yes. He asked me if I could send him one back cause that money he's going to use while we travel out there. The check was only 100 dollars but I was like ok. I kinda was worried cause that money was for my car payment. But I simply went along with things. So today my Mom came upstairs with the mail and in it was a card from my Dad. He sent me a check and when I opened I was first shocked and then a realization dawned on me. He was talking about the christmas check he was talking about this one. Well I called him at work and explained that I hadn't cashed it and he said good then just rip that one up. It was sad to rip up money but I did. I think this trip is going to be really good for us. I'm excited about it. I haven't gone anywhere with my Dad in awhile. It may be fast but he's going to come back with me. And were going to plan on what to see and do on the way back. It seems amazing that it's 8 months away. It's going to go fast though, that's what everyone says. I look back and I think my semester in the dorms went by quickly. But then I remember the times I would be in my room, bored and hoping the semester would end. So I don't really know how fast it will go. I do know that I'll be very familiar with Disneyworld being I'll be in it almost everyday for 8 months. Yup yup, I'm finally feeling happier tonight.

Anyway, that's about all my good news. So I think I'll end this journal entry for now.

Nighty night.
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In only a few days... [Jan. 10th, 2005|10:55 pm]
[mood |melancholymelancholy]
[music |Footloose - Dancing in the Sheets]

I haven't written in awhile. I'm afraid to jot down my most truthful feelings on here and yet it comes so naturally because it feels like I'm writing to myself. So much, hmm how shall I put it, shit has happened to me in the past few days that I really haven't felt like writing or doing much else. I'm the type of person that once something is planned I don't like changing it and if so then only a little bit. Well everything I have planned has been shrewd apart and changed. I'm living at home right now, which I'm happy to be here but at the same time I carry a bitterness and coldness underneath my smile. I often question myself after nastily replying to my mother's question in a harsh tone of why I answered in such a way. I haven't figured it out quite yet. I think it may be because though I am grateful for her I also cringe at the thought of having her help me. It is because I know that if I want help from her I always hear about it. How hard it is for her to help me but yet she still is, or the fact that you always have to be so stubborn and now look where it got you. Ok she didn't say that exactly, but that is her feeling when it comes to me and what I want for myself. It's not enough that I'm in college and going like my parents wished of me my entire life. Why could I not choose to stay in California and use military benefits and work towards a degree that I don't want. It's because I'm stubborn, that must be it. It's not that the degree I want, that can be obtained from one of the best schools, is not in california and I want to go to it so I can actually do something with it. It's not enough that I got a loan and the money that I owe to my school is under my name and no one elses I still hear that why did i have to choose to go to that school when I could of gone to a cheaper one. Well of course I could of gone to a cheaper one. Do I look that stupid that I didn't think about going to San Diego or maybe another school in california with my major in it. Of course I considered it. I don't think I would make such a rash decision concerning so much money. But yet, this is still wrong. It is a repetitiveness in my mother about EVERYTHING that drives me crazy. She contstantly talks of things over and over. Not different things about the subject but the subject in hand again and again. I have a job, but I don't know if I have it. I think I have a job but there's no contract yet. I know I have a job so I think I'll be ok. She knows she has the job, because the woman told her she had it, she did a background search, told her she starts on the 20th and yet she still continues to feel that she doesn't have a job. When she speaks it's always something about her. Anything, as long as it's either about her or her asking me to help her decide something in which case she's going to listen to what I have to say and then continue to ponder on which way or what she should do. Could you imagine trying to help someone make up there mind, only to hear them the next day ask again what they should do and then hear again the day after that. It's a nightmare that never ends. It irritates me until I answer her so rudely or talk to her in a way that shows I'm irritated and yet she doesn't understand why she irritates me. It's a horrible feeling because I do love my mother and I know all she wants to do is help me. But she always makes me feel like the things i want I'm only getting cause I'm stubborn. If the things I did didn't make sense then I probably wouldn't be doing them. The biggest issue at hand is money. I am in debt so much that I don't know really how to get out of it at the moment. Things are piling up all around me and it's scarying me shitless. It's amazing how a person can rack on so much debt in so little time. Granted half of it I don't have to pay back until the end of school but the rest I have on my credit card I do owe. I know how it was accumulated and it's because my parents aren't helping me with college. It amazes me that so many kids I know that go to school are helped a great deal by thier parents. Wouldn't it be nice to have an easy life? I really never was stressed at least not like this. I owe so much money I just don't know what to do. It's my car loan and my credit cards and my phone bill and medical bill. Shouldn't I be happy my mom is paying for my insurance? Isn't that what she tells me when I tell her I never get tax money back because it always goes to insurance. Isn't that what she tells me when I sort of complain about my bills and her usual response is that she has so many bills and that I'm paying your car insurance. But yet she says that she's carry the car insurance because I'm in school, just like she did for ashleigh all those years she was in school. I should be grateful, I shouldn't be wondering why she couldn't help me with another bill. Afterall, I am paying on my car, and true she did put some money down on mine she did buy Ashleigh's car and it was all paid for. Well enough, I've complained about my mother and my money problems long enough. I'm going to Florida in only a few days....

My plans for Florida and driving have been completely reversed all about. It's amazing that in such short notice things could go from being perfect to shambles. In my mind, I thought, Teresa of course I can trust her. I can confidently look into my mother's eyes and tell her yes Teresa said she was going with me so it will work out in the next month. I told her of course she can go, Teresa said she would get the week off for vacation and she already bought a plane ticket so she has to go. Then about a week or so before I'm going I get a call. A devastating call. She calls me on her lunch break and tells me that she just can't go. In the moment she uddered those words so many things ran through my mind. What am I going to do? What am I going to tell my mother? She's going to tell me that she knew she wouldn't go. What the FUCK am I going to do now. How could I be so stupid again to trust people. I don't trust people, but I thought if there was anyone in the world I could trust was her and Annie besides of course my mother. I don't know how but I know I heard myself saying that it was ok. It wasn't ok though, I couldn't even believe what I heard. She said she didn't have the money to go, I didn't know what else to say and I don't really remember much after that. I remember her saying she was so sorry and she felt horrible for having to tell me this. After hanging up with her the tears just came out. I walked into my Mom's room and she frantically asked me what was wrong. I told her Teresa just called and she said she can't go. She asked me why and I told her she didn't have any money. My Mom called her and told her she was willing to pay for her. She said ok she was back to going. But my mother called my father and asked for money for me. He doesn't have the money, as I know right now, but he'll was going to see what he could do. Then he called her back the next night and asked why doesn't he just take me. So now my father is going with me and I called Teresa to tell her that he was going to go instead. And you know what, I felt bad for telling her she couldn't go. Thinking about it now, I wonder why the hell was I feeling bad? I shouldn't of been feeling bad. But that's how I am. However, on a brighter note, I am happy now how this has all come about. My dad is taking me, its going to be a fast trip. He's going to get me out there and we have to be there by Friday morning cause he has to fly out that morning. But he's going to fly back out in August and were going to drive home for about 10 days and explore. So a fast trip there and a fun trip back home. I think that's fair. He is however bringing his camera so there will be a stop or two for pictures somewhere. I think it'll be good for us to have a trip. It's been a long time since we've been together for so long and especially alone. I don't remember the last time I was with my dad alone. The only memory I have of him and me is a picture of us in the snow and we were playing in it and throwing snowball at each other. That trip was the first time he let me take a picture with his professional camera. I remember I was holding it while I was in the car and my arm is in half of the picture, lol. Most of the trips we took were with either Val, Karen, and ash there. So, this will be nice. Oh, no I remember now. There is the time I went up there about a year or two ago and we went canoeing together. That was pretty fun. So anyway, the trip will work out except now the money from christmas that he gave me is part of the money he is going to use to help me get out there. So the money I thought I had secure for my car payment is now going to him. Somehow I'll scrape something together to pay my bills this month. I can't wait for my first paycheck from Disney.

Disney. In a couple days. Alone, completely alone in Florida in a hotel for three days. What word comes to mind? completely and utterly alone and frightened. Ok, so a couple words. My sister came down to visit for the last time until I come back from Florida. The night she left I completely lost and cried so hard in her arms. I don't know why but I couldn't control it and then she started crying. I was literally crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I sometimes think back about how I didn't say goodbye at christmas time to Annie or Teresa cause I was suppose to be moving back up there to see them again before I go. I am so sad that I won't see them for awhile, I truly hope they come visit me. I think that it is a good thing that I left with the thought of seeing them soon. If I hadn't and known that it would be the last time for quite a few months I think I would have bawled in their arms too. Like the day I left my home to go to San Diego. I didn't really cry in front of them. Somehow I held it in and maybe it was because I didn't feel like I was quite gone yet. And yet as I took off down the highway I couldn't control myself and I cried for probably a half hour or more. It was a horrible drive cause at times I tried to be happy for what was ahead of me and then I knew I wouldn't be at home or have my friends anymore and I would be sad. It was even worse when I went home for Annie's b-day. My mom had to call me about 5 times and console me. I think I literally cried every hour on that journey home. I also remember hearing that Annie and Ty would call me on my drive home a lot. They didn't call. Annie called I think but only once. She was wrapped up in her own life with her newly romantic attachment developing. Probably the exact way it should be and probably the thought that ran through my head and what made me cry again. Oh well, where was this whole thing going anyway? ahh yes being alone. I will be alone in Florida. I know I say I'll be ok and I'll explore and all that but I'll probably stay in the hotel and cry. It's horrible yes but I cry a lot and especially lately. There's so much changing and so many things going on at once that it's overwhelming. anyway, some two pieces of good news and then I think I'm going to go back to reading.

The first good piece of news is that Annie helped me today to get a new phone. She is so wonderful. I know she hates that I always ask her to help me with my cingular stuff but she's just so good at it! And I know I would just fuck it up so I call her. So I will be receiving my new phone on Wednesday and I'm thrilled. And the other bit of wonderful news is that my box of shoes are still sitting in Las Vegas and so when I go back to the dorms I shall be able to pick them up. I can't wait, I am so excited. It feels like christmas still. Ok, well, this journal entry was probably boring for you all to read but that's about how my life is right now. I know it's pretty sad but I hope there are better times coming when I'm at Disneyworld.
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an interesting night... [Jan. 6th, 2005|12:55 am]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Take me as I am - Love Actually Soundtrack]

I don't know what is possessing me to actually write on here but I thought I might as well try it seeing as I have nothing else to do at the moment. I've been online tonight checking out this one site, it's called Viralbank.com. It has so many funny e-mails and games on it. I think it's awesome. I think I spend to much time online. My sister is coming down tomorrow to San Diego. I'm really excited and scared. This is the last time I'm going to be seeing her for about 8 months, unless she comes to visit, but I don't know if she will. I'm going to miss my Mom and my family and most importantly my friends. I lived in Vegas last semester and it was my first time being away from my friends. I missed them so much it and it was an awful feeling. However, it's been about 5 months since I've lived there and I'm getting more accustomed to not being there. I still look back and miss all the times I hung out with them after class, even though I should of been doing my homework, I still went over to the apartment that they both lived in. Sorry, I should give say there names, there's Annie and Teresa. They both lived together for awhile but then Annie moved back home and Teresa moved out on here own. It's funny but we have the same address on Conestoga Way. Different towns, yes but I thought it ironic. Anyway, as I was saying we spent so much time together during that semester and the summer before I left. Of course I remember nights of wanting to kill them because all they talked about was Cingular this and Cingular that. It was so boring and I don't really know why I stayed except maybe I enjoyed their companionship. Hmm... that's a realization that just came to me. I think maybe that's what I loved about hanging out with them. I mean not the only thing of course but the main reason. Is that why we hang out with people? Is it just for companionship or are there ulterior reasons? I wonder...

I love playing games. I don't know why but I'm not happy unless I play a game almost every day. Even if it's just solitaire on the computer, I still need to play one. Is that wierd? Is it a sickness? Games are good for you. I feel intelligent when I play them. Not necessarily cause I'm good at them and I don't always win. I think because I'm not that intelligent it makes me feel better about myself. For example I played scrabble tonight. I make so many good words and I did very well. Working on crossword puzzles and reading as much as I do I do know words. I just don't use them. I don't talk all that much. Not to people who don't know me. I think the people who would say I talk a lot would be Annie, Teresa, my Mom, sister, and Mat. I talk a lot to Mat. He listens and of courses gives me advise. He's dating a girl named Rebecca. I don't think they'll stay together. They may for a little while and I feel like Mat is a dick for this. He knows he probably won't stay with her but yet he's with her there having sex, of course, and then one day there just going to end it. Is that the normal way this go in life? Do guys think that way with all girls they go out with? I feel they do. I am so critical of guys I don't know how I can trust any of them. I feel they have a motive behind everything they do and all they think about is sex. If I do this for her maybe I'll get some and if I get some then it automatically means she'll do all these things I want. Men, yuck! I don't know why I feel this way but I know have for awhile now. I don't know if it has anything to do with my last b/f Sam. (I now know what Annie means about writing online. My mind just wanders and I can talk about anything) So Sam, yeah it could be because of him. I don't know though. I just really feel like men are out to get women. That's awful to write but at the same time I feel that way. It's like they expect you to sleep with them if they buy you dinner or if not after buying you dinner then the next couple of dates you go on. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about them anymore right now cause the thoughts on them are irritating me.

I'm leaving in less than two weeks. I'll be living so far away from my family and friends. I'm terrified. I really haven't said this outloud because I don't want to acknowledge that its true. But I am so scared I think that when I'm driving out there I'm just going to suddenly want to stop the car and turn around. I know that I can't and that I must go. I wonder what it is I'm afraid of the most... Is it being away from my mother? No I don't think so cause I've lived away from her and I love her but I just can't live with her. Is it being away from the rest of my family? No, not really even though we are getting closer now. I've seen everyone again while I've been here. With the exception of most of the Keller family except my Aunt Debbie. We had lunch with her today. I'm happy I'm getting to know my stuck up, snobby, were better than everyone else, family. Anyway, is it being away from my friends? I'm going to miss them terribly. They mean everything to me and I know when I was not talking to one of them for a long time I missed her even then. Somehow I'll get by and I'll see them when I get back. I think it has to do with growing up. This is it. I'm going to learn how to live on my own, care for myself, live without reach of my family, gain experience in my field that I'll only rise from this position and onward. That's it. It's the responsibility I'm going to have now. I'm so afraid of responsibility it sometimes makes me want to coward into the corner of the farthest one in the house I can find. I know I shouldn't be so frightened of it and yet I am. I think people think I'm responsible. And I sometimes feel responsible with having so much on my plate. But the responsibility with actions is what scares me. Oh well, to get anywhere in life you have to face your fears cause all it ever does it stop you from having things. I wish I could remember that when talking in front of people.

I really have been just typing away. I should probably go to sleep because we have men coming in the morning to fix out heater. It only heats the upstairs so it's warm up here and freezing downstairs. Ooh, it's going to be so fun in the next week in a half. I'll be having my friend Ayaka here, and Teresa will be coming down and she'll be having Mike and Justin with her. I've known Teresa so long and they know I come to San Diego but they don't really know this side of my life. I won't be able to show her much but she'll see my grandma's house where I've stayed my whole life when I'm in San Diego. It's so exciting. And I've never had a friend here. And now I'm getting like four at one time! So awesome, well my mom is snoring in the other room and I wonder if I'll be able to sleep. It's so annoying. It's awful cause it means I'll be snoring like that one day. Especially cause my Dad snores even louder meaning I have to get it cause it's on both sides of my family. I'll tell you living with your mother and your grandmother you really notice the things your going to have when your as old as them. I mean your their age. That sounds bad but they'll never read this. No one will. Which is probably the best thing cause there just thoughts that come in my head. It's easier for me to write about them than talk about them though. Ok, I'm tired and I'm off to bed. Nighty night.
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