||[Feb. 12th, 2005|08:35 pm]
I have so many thoughts running through my head right now I decided I’d write on here again. Although I’m watching SVU at the moment so writing while watching this might not be such a great idea. I should probably write down the pain topics so I remember what I want to talk about.
Where should I start? How about blaming Annie for everything. It’s all your fault Annie and I put complete blame on you for all my thoughts tonight. =) your such a good friend for taking the blame. I really want to talk about the show I watched tonight.
My mother. Oh my goodness, how much she irritates me. It happened a couple days ago and I really don’t want to say all the things I was thinking earlier. The biggest thing is that I don’t want too ever be like her. I know people say that you end up like your mother but not everyone does or not all the same characteristics. I wonder sometimes if she might be part of the reason why I hate men. Growing up I didn’t date anyone until like 12th grade and even then it was someone who was far away so I only talked to him and never depended on him for anything. In my whole life I don’t remember my Mom without a man and it annoys me, it angers me, and it makes me wish I wasn’t like her. Let’s see who I can remember of men… oh my god, I don’t know where to start… Maybe when I was 6 I could start with the guy named Ron. After that there was the doctor that I remember. I mean there was always a man around but I only remember the one’s that stuck around for a little longer than the rest. Well anyway, to continue on with men in my Mom’s life I could honestly say I think she’s dated around 30ish counting just one date. It’s so annoying. Then again Teresa has dated that many people too. Oh well, I really don’t want to talk about anymore of this. It’s just a web of ideas and feelings that spins continuously with me.
After I broke up with Sam, I tried to severe all ties with him because once I didn’t think about him, I had everything of his in a box in California and not with me in Vegas, I didn’t have e-mail from him and I didn’t have his number in my cell phone and I did all this so I could get over him. Of course I did get over him and I really didn’t think about him except for a day or two after he called me. I didn’t even go over to his house the two times that I visited Atwater. Even though I did want to go over there but that was only to visit his parents. I really am not lying about this even though to most people it would seem like that. I love his parents to death and I think, not to be mean, but that was part of the reason I was going with him. Anyway, he contacted me on myspace and it’s like everyone is on it now. All the “atwater” drama crew. And now my sister is on and she’s all fussy about how I have her friends as mine, even though, before she knew about it or was on it, I became friends with them first. So, anyway, I’ve been thinking recently that maybe I should just change my name or maybe just delete my account all together. Is it really so bad that I can’t even be friends with my ex? If I delete my account does that mean I’m running away from him? Or does it just mean that I don’t want anything to do with him. If it’s one lesson I’ve learned is not to date anyone that knows my sister because I’ll never be able to get away from them. If that’s the case then why delete my myspace account cause I’ll never really stop hearing about Sam because he’s friend’s with Ash and he won’t stop being friends with her just because we don’t have a connection anymore. So see, I really don’t have anywhere to turn except to just try and get over it. I’m the type that can’t get over anything and I remember anything that hurt me or made me feel deeply and I always will remember it. I tend to live in the past even though I try to live in the present. Or it’s not like I live in the past it’s just that I remember the past and it effects my decisions in the present. Like right now, yes I’m going to talk about this again but… Right now I just can’t seem to like any guy. Like I’m attracted to them, a lot actually. But to actually do anything or trust them or to make the effort to be with them is too much for me. I wonder if it’s because my full passion right now is to accomplish my goals by getting through school, getting into my career, and making something of my own life before adding someone to it. I remember explaining to sam before I went out with him that school is more important than me to him and vice versa. That’s of course eventually why we broke up. Not the only reasons of course but my main reason. I told him it at the beginning though. When I was talking to him about breaking up with him and I told him that my passion is my schooling and what I want to do. I don’t know if I have time for both and it definitely means that I don’t have enough time to devout too a relationship, work, and school. In order to have a good relationship you both need to provide at least 100%. I don’t know if I can do that and do the rest for work and school. So anyway, that’s one of the reasons why the relationship ended. So back to the main topic, boys. I don’t know why I really feel this way. It may just be that I am occupied right now. I’ll work out these thoughts more later on. I watched a show the other night…
This show was called Trading Mom’s… Or something like that… it’s the new show on tv where two parents trade houses for a couple days. They live by the rules of the house and then after a little bit they get to change the rules of the house to their own. So, the two mothers changing position was a african American, very Christian, definitely followed the rules and believed having her children clean and do their chores, plus she was a stay at home mom and lived in a really beautiful home. She had a husband and umm… four kids I believe. The first thing that I found interesting about her is that she was married to a white man. I find this interesting because of her beliefs that I’ll explain in a minute. The other woman was a white woman, who was raising her daughter with her woman partner. When they traded places the families sat down to talk about this issue and the black woman got in a little tiff with the partner that she was suppose to be staying with. I thought it was interesting what they were trying to do with these two families. While watching the white woman… ok I’m going to give them names… I’m naming white woman, lesbian and African American woman bible thumper cause she was annoying like that. So while lesbian was in the Christian home she saw how crazy the rules were for these kids. There whole lives they do everything perfect and they never have fun. If I was raised in that household I would have fun away. It was sick!!! There rooms were perfect, they came home from school and did there homework right away, they go to church on Sunday, which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s like there lives are like a ritual. So, anyway, she had them have a sleepover with like 20 kids or so and it was really cool. So the bible thumper made the lesbian’s partner work in the yard, make everything perfect and was just a bitch to her. I really hated her from the beginning. When they were talking about the differences about lesbian she brought up slavery and all this about being black and the black thing is so over folks. Yes, there are people who are racist but hiding behind it all the time and anything bad happen to you and you assume it’s someone being racist just pissed me off. Get over it!!! Ok, so she was saying how in god’s eyes he doesn’t talk about color of the skin but it’s wrong for two people of the same gender to be together. She doesn’t believe that two people of the same gender should raise a child and open the their eyes to these things. Yeah, let’s just hide them from the real world so once there 18 and they go off on there own there stupid of the real world and don’t know what’s really going on. Anyway, at the very end of the show they two couples got back together and the bible thumper sat there and yelled about her views that they shouldn’t be raising a child, that lesbian didn’t provide anything to her life, and just ripped on them. She made lesbian cry and it was just an awful feeling. I don’t think anyone has the right to tell others who they can be with and that it’s not right to raise their child. She was a bitch and she makes christian’s look bad because of the principles she was preaching about. Ok, that’s all I’m going to say. I think I’m going to get off my soap box now and go to bed. Cause I’m pretty tired.
Ooh, one more thing. Annie is talking to this new girl. I’m so excited for her. It’s about time she got over that psycho and moved on with her life. This girl seems nice, I’m not going to trust her as easily as I did the other. Because obviously from the last time and the total disaster it was I can’t possibly believe that this one is trustworthy, but I’m sure anyone is better than the last. Annie has a valentine, Teresa has a valentine, and I have no one. How sad is that? I’m a loner now. The lonely one without anyone over her. Oh well, it makes me happy hearing that Annie is happy now. When I call her she’s always great. I hope she isn’t lying to me or to herself. Well even if she is, oh well. At least she’s seems happy. Ok, time for bed now. Nighty night.